Day 34 - David's side of the story
At first I thought I was dreaming. It was Teresa calling out to me and she was at the entrance of some distant tunnel where there was a bright light.
I could not see her clearly so I moved closer and closer as she continued to call my name.
I opened my eyes to see her looking down at me.
"David, you were dreaming."
I gave her the best smile I could master under the circumstances.
"I'm glad you're fine." I managed to whisper.
She started crying.
"I've been such a fool. You wake up after risking your life for me and the first thing you say is..." she broke into sobs. Some of the tears fell on my face. No woman had ever shed tears for me before.
“Don’t cry Teresa, everything is going to be alright.” I whispered.
Teresa tried to control herself as best as she would. I marveled that I was with her once again. For a long time I had thought I would never see her again. I was very excited and I wanted this moment with her to last forever.
I had learnt the truth; I wasn’t the tough guy I kept on pretending to be. I needed somebody to care for who would also care for me. And that person would have to be Teresa. Nobody else.
My mind went back to the excitement I had felt when I saw Teresa’s shoe. Maybe somebody else would have been worried that she was dead. Not me. I somehow suspected that she was still alive. And besides after all the agony and uncertainty I had gone through, I wanted to get to the bottom of this matter and know for sure what had happened to her.
My Masai friends took me to the spot where they had found the shoe. Within a short time we found the suspicious looking compound. Don’t ask me how but I somehow sensed that Teresa was there.
But the bat-eared man told us she wasn’t. There was something about him that was very scary. It was probably his eyes. He looked like he was high on drugs or something.
Then I heard Teresa’s voice calling out and I just went berserk and charged at the Bat-eared guy although he was holding a gun in his hands. I heard the loud bang of the gun going off long before I felt the searing pain on my chest. The last thought on my mind was Teresa, how could I die and leave her in danger? This was no time to die.
“There is so much we need to talk about, honey.” Teresa told me.
I closed my eyes for a moment to absorb that statement. She had called me ‘honey’. That single word seemed to bathe my whole soul with joy and pleasantness that I wanted to last forever.
“Are you in pain?” I heard her worried voice enquiring.
“No, Teresa. I’m just happy.” I whispered.
“About what? Something you’d like to share?”
“About you. About being with you. I thought I’d lose you.”
“Oh my darling, you’ll never lose me. I promise.”
Again the words sunk deep into my soul and the impact was too much I had to shut my eyes in sher pleasure again. This time Teresa had an idea of what was happening. She gently kissed me on my lips and I could swear I started feeling stronger and better immediately.
Suddenly there was some commotion outside.
“Don’t go anywhere, I’m coming back,” Teresa joked as she walked out.
When she returned, her whole face was pale and she looked scared of something. She was talking half to herself as she approached my bed.
“They’ve just brought in Kevin with a snake bite. He should be dead. I’ll tell the doctor to make sure he does something to make sure he dies.”
“Whose Kevin?”
“It’s a long story David.”
“And why do you want to murder him.”
That froze Teresa. She looked at me opening and shutting her mouth like a fish. I could see she was scared. But scared of what? Who the hell was this Kevin guy and what did he know, that he now had to die for? I was worried, this was a side of Teresa I had never seen before and it scared me. I lay there patiently waiting for the answers I knew would never come.
1 Comments:
I figure I should be helpful for once and go through and show you mistakes I found.
“Whose Kevin?” --'who is' or 'who's
“And why do you want to murder him.” --the 'and' is awkward and you need a question mark at the end
She looked at me opening and shutting her mouth like a fish. --needs a comma and note that your verbs have different tenses 'looked', 'opening', 'shutting'
"I was worried, this was a side of Teresa I had never seen before and it scared me." --should have a semicolon or something to seperate the clauses
There are a couple of other spots (tell me if you want me to cite them) where the writing is awkward but I feel that I can't advise you well enough on how to fix them.
The lack of description strains my relationship with this piece. I want to know where Teresa is when she's talking to David, whether she collapses into a chair to cry, if she holds David's hand...etc. This is more of a biased suggestion based off my own personal preference in terms of writing that I enjoy. Another thing is the dialogue. I find it lacking and unbelievable at times.
Here are some questions I have for you as a reviewer.
What do you mean by 'commotion outside'?
What are David's thoughts at the beginning of this chapter?
What's going on with the plot that you were vague about in the first few post about Teresa killing herself? Why do you say nothing about it in this one? Has David forgotten already?
Why does David refer to the unnamed character who held Teresa hostage with the same name that she had for him?
Again I want to say that your decision to write this story through the eyes of three different characters might not have been the best idea. You might want to reconsider the narration of the piece in your next draft.
When reorganizing the story into another draft and you want to keep the idea of 'day __' as one chapter, rethink the places of each character's entries. Though I don't quite understand how this story is supposed to be written--you said something about somehow having internet access and using a blog to record the story...sorry, I'm in the dark about this--so if you could explain that, I could comment on it...
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