Day 21 - Teresa's side of the story
I continued to rack my brains for a solution.
This man was extremely dangerous and yet here I was fooling around. What had come over me? Wouldn't it have been better to take my chances with the wild animals out there and having no idea where I was?
Yet something inside told me that I was close to getting a solution. Real close to some sort of breakthrough with Bat-ears. Insane as he was, this man held two major keys I wanted and wanted very badly.
The first was to get out of this whole situation alive. He was the only person; here in the middle of nowhere who knew where we were and how to get back to civilization or to help. And the second was to find out who he was reporting to. The person who had betrayed me. It had to be either Kevin or Bruce.
I needed to know and to know badly; because I had always trusted both men and I never even had an inkling that either of them was capable of betraying me in this way and wanting me dead. One of them had even been my lover not too long ago and I thought I knew and understood them well enough to trust them with my life in whatever situation. I had obviously been wrong. Very wrong.
The fact the Bat-ears was unstable could be an advantage. I had to look for a way to direct his instability into doing what I wanted. Releasing me or showing me how to get out of here.
But I never really had time to think the whole thing through because we were interrupted by some noise outside.
Bat-ears seemed to recover and he quickly rushed out, closing and locking the door behind him, he went out to investigate what the problem was.
I couldn’t see outside so I moved to the door and placed my ears on the door to try and catch what was being said.
I heard several voices. They were speaking in a language other than English. It sounded like Kiswahili, the local language spoken by all tribes, but I wasn't sure. They were asking questions and I could hear Bat-ears replying.
It was then that I heard the voice. I had never in my life been so excited to hear a voice. I could not mistake that voice anywhere. It was David's voice.
"Have you asked him if he's seen the girl?" That sweet, familiar voice of David asked.
"Yes. We ask him. He asks if white woman can survive here?"
"Please ask him again."
"The woman you are looking for is not here." Bat-ears' voice, now speaking directly to David.
"Oh, you speak English. I need to say a few things and..."
"I'm not really interested and I don't have the time."
That was the moment I started screaming at the top of my voice. I screamed my lungs out calling David's name.
“Daaaavid, Daaaavid, that’s a lie I am heeere!”
My screams were halted by the loud noise of a gun going off. It was loud and it echoed in the whole neighbourhod for miles around. I knew it had to be Bat-ears' gun.
I waited, fearing for the worst and knowing that if Bat-ears had shot somebody, there was no doubt where the next bullet would be destined for – David and then me. I waited with baited breadth.
My heart sunk when I heard Bat-ears voice. He was saying something in the swahili language that I couldn't quite catch.
Then I heard the Maasai war cries.
Another shot rung out, but the war cries continued. I heard Bat-ears' scream once then everything went silent.
I waited again for what seemed to be ages. Then the Maasai's broke down the still locked door and helped me outside the hut.
Bat ears was lying on the ground in a pool of blood, with what appeared to be a snarl still on his dark face, perfect white teeth protruding. He had been speared to death and blood was still flowing out of the deep wounds on his chest.
Then I saw David. Or rather what was left of him. He was lying very still in a pool of blood. I rushed to his side and desperately started looking for signs of a pulse.
If he was dead, I had killed yet again, Bat-ears had pulled the trigger but it was I who had killed. Just like I had killed Shawn. But Shawn I did not love and David I loved with my whole heart. I had screamed and caused the man I love to be shot. The man I loved like no other man.
But then why had I lied to him so? People did not lie to those they loved. Please David, don’t be dead. Live so that I can tell you everything. Please God, let David live. I desperately searched for the pulse; I searched for any small sign of life.
posted by Chris @ 9:21 PM
4 Comments:
I believe I need this kind of honesty much more than urging-on at this stage.
By the way, I have a question to ask. Was the attempted-rape scene a little too graphic?
Second question, people like lots of sex in their novels. Do you think this story is a let down on that score?
Sorry my previous posting didn't make sense because the first 2 paras were missing. Here is the correct post as it should have been.
Thank you all for your brutally honest comments.
They hurt but they help a great deal and I’m a big boy now. I’ll keep them in mind as I develop the story. Now that our relationship has reached such an honest level, can we please keep it like that?
I believe I need this kind of honesty much more than being urging-on at this stage.
By the way, I have a question to ask. Was the attempted-rape scene a little too graphic?
Second question, people like lots of sex in their novels. Do you think this story is a let down on that score?
Well I have a harsh comment: the story seems to be a skeleton. You're just giving us little bits of information and only enough to help the story along. Now, that's fine for the rough draft but if you ever get to the point of considering sending a manuscript to a publisher, definetely think about fleshing out the novel. There's a whole lot of description you can add--If you don't want to reveal more about the characters, go ahead and describe the setting. Your story is, as of now, very sparse. I certainly want to know more.
Here's why I say it's a skeleton: the characters are far to undeveloped. Believe me, I know when characters are static because I do it all the time. Think dynamic. Here's my suggestion though. Keep writing your story 'til you get to a point that you like the plot as it is. Then go back and add scenes and completely flesh out the story. This is entirely off the top of my head, a theorized strategy for writing. But I have a feeling by what I know about each character now that the only thing that carries this story is the plot. Quite honestly, neither Teresa nor David carry this story.
(Consider a story that you stopped reading because the inciting incident occured past the first few chapters. If the characters do not excite/entice you, why keep reading?) Of course, you have a great strength. You know how to use suspense and not just throwing it in at random points. From as far as I can tell, you are progressing the story at every point. This is an extremely good thing--some people do quite the opposite and just write masses of dialogue and description and then wonder where their plot went. You know how to write a story but you need to develop everything that carries it.
Look back at my previous comments and you'll see that the story holds my attention. I would ask how old you are simply to get an understanding of how acquainted you are the system of writing. Ah, I forgot my point of this paragraph.
Concerning this post directly, I have one suggestion. Perhaps take out the...4th and 5th paragraphs and place them strategically elsewhere to create mystery. You seem to echo Hawthorne's style...vaguely. You will reveal choice information before moving on to the action. Oh, and since I am horrible an analyzing work, I wonder if you have any intended symbols or..other literary things. God I'm bad at this.
Em, graphic rape scene....I've read worse. Depends on what type of mood you're trying to establish, whether you intend to create sex scenes or not. Decide whether to cut it later after the story develops itself a little more.
Ahh, one more thing. Teresa's scream. "David, David, that's a lie I am here" (badly quoted, excuse my laziness). All I can say is 'ugh'. I just don't like your diction or syntax at all. Perhaps it is true to the character. I am only suggesting and commenting.
Have I gone overboard?
Hmm let's get to your questions first. The attempted rape scene was hardly graphic at all, in my opinion. I think how graphic something is or should be, largely depends on the readers opinion. For me, something more descriptive would have suited my taste more. It was so short too, like if it came and before I even realized what was going on, it was over.
About the sex scenes - honestly it is a little bit of a let down. As with the rape scene, I'd like to see it run on a little longer with something more to satisfy my senses :P This depends though. Are you writing for a mature audience or for the general public? That will help you understand where you should go with the sexuality of this novel.
Now here are just some things I noticed while reading this post.
1) Teresa seems to think she KNOWS that Kevin and/or Bruce was behind her being locked in a hut guarded by the bat-eared guy. And by the way, who are Kevin and Bruce? I know you've vaguely mentioned them a few times but I don't really understand their importance as characters.
2) Does Teresa understand the local language? She said some men outside were asking questions. Now, I know you can detect a question by listening to the particular way something is said. But the way she says "They were asking questions and I could hear Bat-ears replying" makes me believe she can understand the language.
3) Oh my god, the thing about the snarl on Bat-ears' dead face is FREAKY. It's just hard to imagine a person having any kind of expression on their face, once dead. Argh.
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